So Christina and I have been hooked on Food Network lately, and as a result I’ve believed that I can cook just like all of the pros do. Over the past few days I’ve made some pretty good stuff, including homemade salsa (which I call Sunrider Salsa, a reference to the online persona I’ve used for as long as I can remember). Yesterday morning, though, I was reminded just how untalented I actually am.

Christina was scrambling eggs for breakfast and I was frying up some diced potatoes for home fries. Once they were done, I let the oil sit for a minute then went to clean the skillet. I thought the oil had cooled down. It hadn’t.

I put some water in the pan and heard a pop. Before I knew it, hot oil was popping and splattering all over the place. I dumped it down the sink as fast as I could, but it had hit me in the face and gotten on my arms. Luckily, I wasn’t seriously hurt, but I do have some pretty wicked burn marks today. My right eye was watering like crazy and I was afraid I had actually gotten some IN my eye, but luckily that wasn’t the case.

I had a similar incident when I was 18 involving taking a tray of macaroni and cheese out of the oven and dropping it on the floor, with bubbling cheese splattering onto my face.

So today I’ve got what a coworker called “Wolverine scars” under my eye and some blotches on my arm, but I managed to get to the bathroom sink and splash myself with water before the burns got serious.

Let this be a lesson to you, kids: if you try to emulate television, you might burn your face off.

I wish I could carry a sword on my back when I’m just walking around. I mean, really, who’d mess with a guy who’s carrying a sword?

I’ve read conflicting things about the legality of it. Some sources say it’s not illegal since it’s not a concealed weapon, others say you need a permit, and others say it’s illegal no matter what. I don’t care, I just think it’s awesome.

I know carrying a sword on your back is a horrible way to carry it (most people’s arms aren’t long enough to unsheath a sword when it’s on their back, and due to my height I doubt I could do it) but it’s not like I’d be using it or anything. It’d be for show. Mostly.

I mean, women carry purses and have big dangly earrings and other accessories. I’d just have a sword. The beauty of it is, it goes with everything. Formal wear, business casual, even a day at the beach!

It’s all fine and dandy carrying a sword on your hip like a samurai, but the coolest guys carry them on their back. Ichigo Kurosaki, Toushirou Hitsugaya, Cloud Strife, Link, the Hero from Dragon Quest VIII, and me. If I had one, anyway.

This is our bathroom sink. It looks like a face. It kinda weirds me out whenever I pee.

I want a monkey tail.

I’m completely serious.

Christina has begged me not to write this, because she thinks it’s going to make people think I’m weird, but whatever. You know what I think is weird? NOT wanting a monkey tail.

And it’s not just because I’m a Dragon Ball fan, either. When you really think about it, having a monkey tail only serves to make your life easier. Let me paint a picture for you: “Oh no, my arms are full of these bags of groceries, how will I ever open the front door?” BAM. Monkey tail saves the day. Logic 1, Christina 0.

There was an episode of Batman Beyond (remember that show?) that focused on people who were splicing their DNA with animals, which I guess was supposed to be the futuristic version of getting a tattoo to piss off your parents. There was a girl with cat eyes, I think, and a guy with bull horns. There was nobody with a monkey tail, though, which leads me to believe that I am more awesome than the entire writing staff of a cartoon that has been cancelled for almost ten years.

If they ever make this a medical procedure for the public I will be lining up like I’m waiting for a Star Wars movie. I will have spent the night before cutting a hole in the backs of all my boxers.

I would use it for SO many things. I would use it for things that would be easier to do with my hands just for the sake of doing them with my new monkey tail. I could even talk on the phone while I play video games without having to do that awkward thing where you hold the phone between your ear and your shoulder that makes your neck feel like it’s going to snap off.

You’re at a party where there’s no place to sit down, and you want a plate of food but then you can’t hold your drink. Impossible dilemma? I THINK NOT. Monkey tail saves the day again.

Take care, be safe, and have a happy holiday!

One time when I was driving home from my college class, I had hooked my iPod up to my car stereo and put it on shuffle. I had just gotten my iPod and I didn’t have a ton of music on it yet, but one album I made sure was on there was the Super Smash Bros. Melee soundtrack. So I’m driving home on the freeway, and Mute City from F-Zero comes on.

You can probably tell already that that song and driving an actual car is a bad, bad combination.

I didn’t even realize it, but I started driving a little more recklessly. My foot pressed down on the gas pedal a little bit harder. I got tired of waiting behind the car in front of me, so I switched lanes to go around it. I was drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, completely lost in the music.

Now, one thing you probably don’t know about me is I usually drive like an old lady. I’m careful, I’m courteous, and when I drive on the freeway I always stay in the right line because I’m paranoid I’ll miss my exit, no matter how far away from it I know I am. So when the song ended and I realized how I was driving, with my spedometer needle flirting with the tick marks between 70 and 80 miles per hour and cars whizzing past me as I switched lanes, my heart just about did a backflip before ITS heart had a heart attack.

I made it home in record time.

I also don’t listen to that song when I drive anymore.

I love achievements. There is nothing more satisfying that hearing that “buh-doop” after completing an in-game task and knowing your Gamerscore got a little larger. They add a new layer to games, and oftentimes add replay value that otherwise wouldn’t exist.

So with our tax return, Christina and I decided to invest in a new TV. Our old one wasn’t BAD, it was a 32″ 1080i CRT TV. It served us pretty well for about three years.

But THIS… this is an LG 47″ LED 1080p TV, with 240hz refresh rate. OH MAN. I didn’t really know much about refresh rates until we were shopping around, and it makes such a huge difference. There is NO motion blur on ANYTHING. Games, movies and TV are all smooth as silk. Motion is so smooth it looks like it’s actually right in front of us. The picture doesn’t really do it justice, but our entertainment center is about 3 feet tall, and the TV is HUGENORMOUS.

We’ve got the Xbox 360 and Blu-Ray player hooked up via HDMI and it’s SO AWESOME. I’m not usually one to brag, but as a video game writer, this is the equivalent of me having a 30th-story office where every wall is a window.

Since we’ve been so busy with the apartment, I haven’t had time to go get my hair cut so I have a wicked meta-mullet going on. I also haven’t shaved in four days. I said on the PK Bloggin’! Facebook page that I looked like a younger, less svelte Solid Snake, and proof was demanded. I am a man of the people, so here’s my proof.

I still have the necktie on my head.

Anyway, I have a YouTube channel now, and I’m sure I’ll make more stupid videos at some point.

Hatatatacha! That’s it for today.
Good job, PaRappa. You can go on to the next stage now.