This past Valentine’s Day, I received the most romantic gift ever: A boxed Sega Game Gear with a copy of NBA Jam and a rechargeable battery pack. I’ve known for a while that I was marrying the right woman, and this is just another example of the choir being preached to.

The Game Gear is a handheld system, but I wouldn’t call it “portable,” even by early 90’s standards. The thing is comfortable in your hands, but it’s still bulky and there’s no WAY this thing would fit into your pocket, especially considering how tight everyone wore their pants back then (well, everyone except MC Hammer).

The best part though is the rechargeable battery pack. For the Game Gear, a rechargeable option is a necessity; the thing goes through batteries like Gabe Newell through Twinkies. Six double-A batteries power the thing for about two hours. The cost of that will add up quickly, kinda like… Gabe Newell’s Twinkie expenses, I guess. I hate to reuse the same joke twice, especially when it’s not very good, but hey, a swing and a miss, what can you do?

So I opened the rechargeable battery pack, and it was a large, bulky thing. I thought “Oh, you must plug this in, and the battery sits inside while it charges.” Ha. Haha. Oh Joe, you are so naïve. So foolish and naïve.

The lightsaber-sized device IS the battery pack. You’re supposed to carry this thing with you along with your Rhode Island sized handheld system. Talk about cumbersome. Even Texans, with their belt buckles large enough to use as a landing strip, saw this combination and thought “Wow, that’s really freakin’ big.” They look mastadonic compared to those huge 90′s cell phones. They’re so big they call the original Xbox “junior.” I can do these jokes all day. I won’t though.

The thing has a belt clip on it. A belt clip! That moves it from ridiculous to awesome. I can only imagine how many hot early 90’s ladies you’d impress walking down the street with this thing on your belt, Game Gear in your hands, with your flattop haircut and Reebok Pumps. In fact, maybe I’ll try to bring the look back now.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. With that setup, you’ll be so smooth you’ll slide when you walk.