Okay, so, I’ve been working really hard on the apartment all weekend. Yesterday I got up to go to work at 4:30 am, came home at 11, and worked on the apartment until 4 pm. Today I got off work at 3:30 pm and spent six hours wiring and hanging a ceiling fan. It’s been rough, folks. I’m ready to spit some hot fire.

I’m not a negative person. All my posts thus far have been about things I like (except when I wrote about Matt Casamadingdong, but I LIKE to call him a douche so I’m still putting that into column “A”), but tonight I’m going to write about the worst game I’ve ever played.

Space Giraffe, for the Xbox 360 via Xbox Live Arcade, is like being punished for doing the worst thing imaginable. Like, I imagine if I got drunk and ran a forklift over some nuns and schoolchildren, the cops would taser me, drag me into an alley, and plop me in front of Space Giraffe. I imagine Hell is really just an endless fiery room filled with gorgeous, giant LCD screens with Xbox 360s hooked up to them, that ONLY PLAY SPACE GIRAFFE. So in a way, playing Space Giraffe is a religious experience.

Seriously, playing Space Giraffe is like being trapped in a room with the worst fart that’s ever been farted. Only the fart doesn’t subside like normal farts. This is the kind of fart that grows more powerful over time, the kind of fart that gets inside your head, makes you question your humanity, and drives you to the brink of insanity but refuses to give you the satisfying release of death.

Not only is it the worst named game ever, but it comes from Llamasoft Studios, which also has the worst studio name ever. Seriously, are you guys like eleven years old? Let me guess, you still think it’s funny naming everything “Bob” and are “lol so randum XD”. Ugh.

I feel like I was tricked into buying Space Giraffe, which is honestly the $5 I wish I had back the most. I had just gotten my Xbox 360 in 2007 and was enjoying Xbox Live Arcade because it gave me rad games like Worms, the classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game and Geometry Wars. Someone I worked with at Good California GameStop said “Oh man, if you liked Geometry Wars, you should play Space Giraffe. They’re kinda similar.” I went home that night and downloaded it, and went back to work the next day and busted his colon with a flaming dragon punch.

Saying Space Giraffe is similar to Geometry Wars is like saying vehicular manslaughter is a Sunday drive. Geometry Wars is awesome, and is a solid concept backed up by amazing presentation. Space Giraffe is like your dog taking a dump on the carpet, and then rubbing your nose in it.

I guess the best comparison would be to say Space Giraffe is like Tempest, but take away any idea of what the fuck you’re doing, throw in a pulsing mass of color that makes your eyes bleed, make the controls useless because you CAN’T SEE ANYTHING, and put one level on J Allard’s face and you have Space Giraffe. I still don’t know what to do in that game. I can’t see my “character.” I can’t see the enemies. I don’t know what the hell a “sneeze bonus” is but there’s an achievement that says I need to get 20 in one level. The whole thing is an absolute mess, and it should never have been released.

Once I got my 120 gig 360 Hard Drive, I redownloaded EVERYTHING I had ever deleted to make room on my old hard drive, even if I knew I would never use it again because I wanted to have it. Everything EXCEPT Space Giraffe. I used to have a list on IGN of every game I owned, and I deleted it. It is honestly the worst purchase I ever made, and I once bought day old Jack in the Box tacos off of some kid in high school for $3.

Jeff Minter, the “genius” (read: asshole) who created Space Giraffe, threw a big hissy fit when his game sold like ass and more people bought the Xbox Live Arcade version of Frogger than his steaming pile. He even said “We’ll shut up trying to do anything new then. Sorry for even trying.” Hey Jeff, no one ignored your game because it was original, everyone ignored your game because it was TERRIBLE and MADE THEM GO BLIND. Even Stevie Wonder walked by someone playing Space Giraffe and said “What the hell is that?” It wasn’t a game, it was a $5 experience that offended all my senses so badly at once I crapped myself. Besides, Frogger is awesome. Didn’t you see that episode of Seinfeld where George tried to move the Frogger machine across the street to keep his high score? Classic. Was your game ever on Seinfeld? No, because Seinfeld was a celebration of everything humanity had ever done right, and your stupid game (and I use that term loosely) is a blight on our existence.

Space Giraffe is why the terrorists hate us.

Why am I writing now about a game from three years ago no one played anyway? As you can tell, I’m a little pent up on the subject. I need to tell everyone just how bad this game is. IGN even gave it a 4.7, and as Tycho from Penny Arcade has pointed out in the past, IGN’s official review scale starts at 7. That means this game is BELOW ZERO. This game is so bad IT TOOK REVIEW POINTS AWAY FROM OTHER GAMES. You know how you were all mad that Metal Gear Solid 4 got a 9.8 instead of a 10? BLAME SPACE GIRAFFE.

Aw dammit I crapped myself again.