Matt Casamassina is a giant douche. I’ve thought so for quite some time, as his air of unwarranted pompousness and unbridled sense of self-worth have affected me like a bite into a wormy apple. His superpower as of late seems to be completely missing the point, like an unskilled archer or perhaps Tim Buckley.

Matt Cashanabahooha, who is the editor for IGN’s Wii channel, has recently penned a column entitled “Nintendo is Lazy and You Don’t Care.” In said column, Cabananarama chides Nintendo on multiple occasions for “seem(ing) content to cut corners and cash in.” He says “we all praise Nintendo for returning gameplay and not graphical pop to the forefront. Since their conception, games have been designed to be fun first and everything else second” and then nitpicks about the graphics in Wii Sports. The man is a grade-A toolbox, and I’m here to set things straight.

Cahalabooda first sets his pissy sights on New Super Mario Bros Wii, regurgitating the same internet argument about why there are two Toads playable instead of Princess Peach. I’ll half-concede there; it would have been nice in a Super Mario Bros. 2 kind of way, but to fault Nintendo for not including her is petty. If Peach is with you, then what’s the point of the game? Mario games have a pretty thin story to begin with, so if you subtract rescuing Peach as the end goal, there’s not much left. So who else are they going to include? Wario and Waluigi? They don’t exist in the Mario series proper, and even barring that, why would they bother helping Mario and Luigi anyway? They’re not exactly heroes. All Waluigi even is is an extra playable character in Mario Party and the Mario Sports games. No one likes Waluigi.

He also cites the fact that New Super Mario Bros Wii looks similar to New Super Mario Bros on DS. Really. Read that sentence again. I’ve decided that it’s lazy that Modern Warfare 2 looks similar to Modern Warfare 1. I think I’ll write a column about how Infinity Ward is lazy.

Seriously, New Super Mario Bros Wii has some pretty sharp graphics, but if you judge the graphics alone as the sole criteria for production values, you’re doing it wrong. Look at the exceptional level design, the vastly different experience of playing with four players on screen at once, and the revolutionary, yet controversial Super Guide feature. If you can look at all of those and say that Nintendo is lazy, then you’re either a liar or you don’t understand video games.

He claims the fact that the Wii is unable to produce high definition graphics has made gamers give Nintendo a free pass to create games whose “presentations journey backward and not forward in time”. It’s funny, Cashashimi, because one of Nintendo’s biggest strengths is their ability to create games that are timeless. Is Super Mario Bros. 3 not a good game because it doesn’t have super high resolution graphics so detailed you can count the individual hairs on Mario’s fantastic ‘stache? No, it’s a good game because it’s a fucking good game. The gameplay is as solid now as it was in 1988. In 20 years, no one is going to care about the graphics in things like Uncharted, Gears of War and Halo; people will remember how those games played. Will they stand the test of time? It’s very possible, but if they do it’ll be because they’re still fun to play, not because they look nice.

Wii Sports isn’t supposed to have fancy graphics. Wii Sports had one mission, and that mission was to attract non-gamers to the Wii, and it accomplished that goal admirably. Could they have made the Mii characters more realistic looking? Absolutely. But the real magic of Wii Sports is that it’s accessible to everyone. The simple, limbless characters are inviting. The whole point of Miis in the first place was to enable players to create a caricature of themselves or anyone else they know. You’re playing as yourself in the game. Can Wii Sports stand up to Dead Rising in a graphical contest? Of course not. But here’s the memo that Catagafina missed: it’s not supposed to.

The Wii was not meant to stand up to the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 as far as graphics and sound go. Nintendo got out of the technological dick measuring contest and forged their own path. The console is affordable, accessible, and fun. Catamadahooie says Nintendo did it to create a “console that it could manufacture cheaply and sell at a reduced price.” They did, and it paid off. They made an affordable console that would be perfect for families, something that wouldn’t be a daunting $400 investment. They designed a console that was accessible to developers, and as a result small independent game studios are putting out a lot of pretty solid titles, however ignored they may be.

Wii Music is next on his “things I don’t understand but I’m going to bitch about it anyway ” list. He writes, probably using the same two-fingered typing technique grandmas use, “Don’t even get me started on Wii Music, a game that so easy that it not only nearly plays itself, but houses a soundtrack full of public domain songs (because they’re free for Nintendo to license) and MIDI-style music (because it’s easier and cheaper to produce than orchestrated songs). The bottom line might as well have its own logo on the box.” He’s so far off base he’s still in the batter’s box. Does that baseball analogy work? Whatever. Anyway, Catargobahina, Wii Music is not a game so much as it is a tool for teaching children music by helping them understand things like rhythm and tempo. Would you like Wii Music better if it had a scrolling note chart and had songs from totally bitchin’ bands like Slayer? Cashoobiedoobie proves he has the musical range of a fourth grader by refusing to play something that doesn’t have totally shreddin’ guitar solos. People complain that Wii Music is only played with one button. Speaking of games played with only one button, have you seen this scrub play Smash Bros? Good Lord.

The whole column is a poorly cobbled together string of nitpicks that all have the underlying subtext “please let me write about Xbox.” Check this sentence out: “But for players who do value cutting-edge graphics and audio — there are millions of us, by the way; we’re not a niche, as six million copies sold of Modern Warfare 2 in November show — it’s a slap in the face and a clear case of the bottom line taking precedence.” Pay attention to the use of the word “us”; he’s deliberately distancing himself from Nintendo fans in an effort to appear more hardcore, most likely to pander to IGN’s slack-jawed readership. I think he’s just upset that he can’t lick a PSP and become a star like other IGN editors have done.

Cafooglemina has joined the ranks of countless other internet trawlers who feel like when a company doesn’t do what they themselves want, then the company is in the wrong. What’s the matter, Caboodle, not a fan of Nintendo after your secret girlfriend left the company?

Look, Cagamadina, your column is irrefutable evidence that you’re not in touch with Nintendo anymore. And despite the tone of this blog post, that’s fine. If you’d be happier writing for IGN Xbox or IGN PlayStation, do it! If you’re going to nitpick about graphics and things like that, then maybe IGN Wii needs a new editor in chief, someone who will judge the company on what it does, not what others do.

Since I haven’t really made it apparent in my blog yet, either, I do enjoy my Xbox 360 quite a bit, and it has a lot of really great games. I have a hi-def TV and I like playing hi-def games on it. However, when I play a Nintendo game, I’m too lost in the gameplay to really worry about the graphics. I still play my Nintendo 64 regularly in all its blocky, muddy-textured glory if that tells you anything.

Some of you might be saying “oh, he’s entitled to his opinion,” but I think that’s wrong because his opinion sucks, and rule number one is my opinion is the only one that matters. If you disagree, well, that’s your opinion, and I ask that you refer to rule number one.

Look, Nintendo is a company that does things their own way and no amount of internet protest is going to change that. If you look at what they’re doing and appreciate their methods, you’re going to have a fantastic time. But if you keep turning your head to see what the other guys are doing, well, then you’re never going to be satisfied.

EDIT: Apparently Matt hasn’t been the editor for IGN Wii since September. Shows how much I read IGN. Ha. He’s still a douche though.